Changes

I haven't even looked at how long it's been since I've written. It doesn't matter. I've spent what seems like a couple of years eeking out a life between naps and more naps. It has been rough.

I have seen Doctors. Very few abnormal lab results, and none of them really helpful. Most frustrating is Doctors telling you that most people who have chronic fatigue feel better within 5 years. In five years the Bean will be 10 and the Bug will be 8. This is not encouraging.

I have been trying to raise children. It is a hard job when you're in the best of health, and when you crave sleep like a hoople head craves whiskey, it's really hard. You do not do the best of jobs.

I have been trying to be a wife. I have not been doing enough of any of the wifely duties, and it breaks my heart to know I'm breaking Poppy's heart.

I have not had nearly enough energy to even try being myself. Do men experience this? I don't know. Maybe men just don't talk about it. I only ever hear women describe it.

I have always been trying to find relief. When we couldn't find a cause, I resorted to just finding relief and began using Nuvigil. It's the latest and greatest medical answer to amphetamines. It has been of limited use to me, because whatever resources I'm low on get used up when I take it, and I have to recover, but it did give me a day or two at a time of normalcy.

Lately I've been trying something new that seems to be working. This week I have gotten so much more done, so much easier than I have in ages. I have enjoyed the company of my children. Their cute-ittude and preciosity are completely overwhelming. I had no idea that teenagers were cute, but the Boy is every bit as cute in his own way.

It tears me up. I keep missing out on things because I'm sleeping. I watch the life I wish I was living pass me by.

I wish with all my heart that this is the end of this nightmare.

ephelba