Saturday, January 13, 2007

How to Turn into your Grandmother:

Step One: Don't use a dishwasher. In my case, I totally would if I had a functioning one, but I don't, so I don't.

Step Two: Somehow manage to seem to wash dishes continually all day long. Actually I usually only wash twice a day, but there was a time in my life I could go for several days without washing the dishes. That time is way over. I didn't do the dishes the other night before I went to bed (you wouldn't believe how tired I was), then the next day Simon was helping me catch up. He said it had to have been three days since I did dishes, because look at all of them! To which I replied Nope, just one, welcome to my world.

Step Three: Start thinking about dinner at 3:00 in the afternoon. What you're going to make, how long it's going to take, what to do with the leftovers... Because you want it to be ready when your husband gets home. You do. Really a lot. Which sounds so 1950's housewifey, but the simple truth is that life is smoother when you can get the dishes done early. The dishes are best washed after dinner is over, as opposed to before (they're already clean) or during (your family goes all whiskey foxtrot tango). Therefore, the earlier you eat, the sooner you can clean.

Step Four: Redefine your relationship with foods. When you were younger, food was yummy or not. Now it agrees with you or it argues. Examples - Pizza: some quabbles in the form of heartburn, but otherwise ok. Grapefruit: disagrees most vociferously the entire time it's visiting. And it doesn't stay long.

Step Five: Truly believe in your heart of hearts that a crocheted/knitted anything makes a terrific gift. Know that maybe the person receiving the handmade whatever doesn't make things by hand and won't necessarily recognize what a labor of love it is, but decide you don't care. At least you don't use acrylic yarn.

Step Six: When you drop something you didn't mean to drop, say something like "Sugar" or "Snap". "Fudge" is ok, but seeing as how it does make the mind run toward the "Shit" that anyone else would have said, it's the word of last resort. Alas, I say "Shit" as much or more than I say "Sugar", but I'm trying.

Having said all this, I don't mean to imply I'm feeling old. I don't. I'm just surprised to find myself doing these things that I thought were vaguely silly when she did them. However, there are just some things I never will do, such as dry the dishes (that's what the dish drainer is for), touch something nasty with my bare hands (I know hands can be washed, but still), or eat liver (eeew).

Going to wash something,

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